Stopping My Antidepressant - How Did We Get Here?

I have recently started the journey of testing out life without the assistance of an antidepressant, so let's talk about how I got here. For some context, I started off years ago on an SSRI, then was put on an anxiety medication on top of the SSRI, then was switched to the anxiety medication plus an SNRI, and now I'm testing out an anxiety medication only. My goal was always to get off all medications, or at least try, but I was not thinking about trying to take that step any time soon. In all honesty, I was pretty comfortable and I don't know that I ever would have voluntarily taken that step. So that brings us back to the elephant in the room, what changed?

Well, it all started with fast food. Yes, you read that right, fast food. One Thursday afternoon, my parents were heading out of town and while I was excited for them to leave I frequently fall into the trap of anticipation anxiety and was searching for comfort on the day of them going. Well, fast food was my answer. To save you the details, that meal (maybe) turned into what I thought was food poisoning, which then turned into what I think was a stomach virus. Now you know what it's like when you're sick, all your defenses go down and things that are not typically issues become issues. When you struggle with anxiety, that becomes even more heightened. One of my not typical problems was taking the same pills I have been taking for years. All of a sudden I found myself not only with a stomach virus but having accidentally quit all of my medication cold turkey. Now let me just stop and say right now that I would not recommend this method. If you want to get off medication there are a lot of smarter and less problematic ways to do it, but alas here I was. 

I couldn't get myself to take any of my medications, which obviously was doing absolutely nothing to help me feel better. I don't know how to explain but I just couldn't do it. There was a mental block between my medications and me and I didn't know how to beat it. It got to the point where I was considering going to the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. Now, I also struggle with agoraphobia (more on that another time) so going to the hospital was not something that even sounded remotely possible, but it also sounded like the only option. Long story short, I was able to get an at home urgent care visit and they were able to give me a liquid version of my anxiety medication so that I didn't have to worry about taking the pill form. As soon as I started that medication again I started feeling better and could once again see the light of day. There was still one problem though, I needed to take my antidepressant too and the one I was on doesn't come in liquid form. 

To cut some details, I was presented with the option to stay on my current medication and take the pill or switch to another medication that came in a liquid. You would think take the liquid one, problem solved. Me too. Until I tried to actually take it and I just couldn't. At this point with the anxiety medication back in my system I was feeling relatively normal mentally, up until the point I had to try and take my antidepressant, then I would get uneasy and shut down. I was in therapy (shout out to my awesome therapist, who gave me sessions every day to help me through all of this) and explaining all of this and she finally asked me, "well, what if you didn't take the antidepressant"? It stopped me in my tracks because as soon as she posed that question I felt a complete sense of peace. She told me to just lean into what my body was telling me and if the only anxiety I was having was about taking this medication maybe it was a sign. We made a plan to wait the two days until I met with my psychiatrist and see what she said before making any decisions. In those two days, I was feeling mentally better than I have in a while, honestly. I feel like I was numb after being on the antidepressant for a while and just didn't notice it. Yes, I've been stable but I have not been thriving. I was always tired and had little motivation to change the situation I was in. Off the medicine? No more naps every day and suddenly things felt possible that haven't for a long time. 

I talked to my psychiatrist and after a long conversation (once again shout out to providers who take their time and actually listen to you) we decided there was not an immediate need for me to get back on an SNRI and to give just an anxiety medication a try. 

Phew, well there you have it. This is how we got here. This is already long so I'm going to save more for another post soon to come.

I just want to end on a reminder that everyone's journey is different, everyone's need and reaction to medications is different and, after spending days stuck in comparison mode, I hope no one compares themselves to my situation, because in all honesty I do not highly recommend.