Today officially marks 14 days since I last took my antidepressant. There were some days there that I didn't know if I was going to make it to now without adding another medication back into the mix. It's always hard for me to feel proud of myself but I am trying to be better about it, especially in this moment. Every time I doubt my ability to do this I keep reminding myself that I am already doing it.
So you may be wondering, how am I doing?? Well honestly, pretty dang good. Mentally I want to say I'm hanging in there but I think I'm actually doing better than that but "healing" can be just as terrifying for me as suffering. Physically is a different story. I definitely feel off. I don't have a huge appetite, I have itchy skin, I feel like I have a cold or sinus infection, and my brain is not operating at it's usual capacity. I just keep trying to tell myself that as long as the mental is fine, the physical will improve with the more time my body has to adjust to this new version of "normal".
I can feel the anxiety part of my brain grasping for things to worry about, but I've been doing okay at fighting back. I've been doing lots of extra therapy sessions and leaning heavily on my friends for support and am so thankful to have those options available. I keep trying to remind myself that most of the things I'm feeling are not things that would necessarily be fixed by restarting an antidepressant, since they are mainly physical. I will say I've been dealing with some crazy hyper fixations that I've had to fight hard to get off the hamster wheel of worry from.
If you were to check my search history of Google you would see all the worry questions - "What are symptoms of withdrawal?" "Can you develop a life threatening allergy in your 30s?" "Can you develop an allergy from stopping an antidepressant?" "Why does it feel like there is something stuck in my throat?" One day I had to have my phone taken away because I just could not stop. Rationally, most people know that googling symptoms is going to give you the worst case scenario but when you’re unsure and feeling desperate, Google seemed like the best option, as well as asking everyone and anyone I know all sorts of questions.
Seriously, let's take a break for a minute here so I can shout out all of the people I have been constantly bombarding for questions, guidance, support - you know who you are. Thank you will never be enough to represent the appreciation I have for everyone who is supporting me through this weird time. Being available for me in whatever way I have needed has been one of the biggest factors in helping me get through this. You all have been my lifelines.
Okay back to hyper fixations.
Allergies. I have always had hay fever type allergies and this year especially they have been really bad, but I have just been rolling with it and not thinking much of it. I've never had problems with food allergies or severe environmental allergies. So tell me why my brain thinks that stopping an antidepressant is all of a sudden going to make that happen? Makes no sense right? Well if I could rationally deal with it I obviously wouldn't be hyper fixating on it. I've finally been able to move past that one a bit and reason with myself that the chances of me having a life threatening allergy emerge right now in my life, when I'm not trying things I haven't tried before, is probably pretty low odds. The other thing I've had to tell myself is, if I wasn't worrying about this 3 weeks ago then I don't need to be worrying about it now. It's working okay so far but we will see.
The last thing that has been a problem has been the brain fog. It's not too bad, I'm not operating at 20% maybe more like 80-90% but it is just enough for me to notice it. I'm making typos more frequently, using the wrong words, forgetting what I'm saying, stumbling over my words. I'll catch it (mostly but also my mom edits these posts for me) but it's a weird feeling to catch yourself having an issue with things that would never have been a problem for you before. I've had to force myself to slow down a bit and let myself take time with things but as an impatient perfectionist it's obviously been difficult.
I have been trying to keep my level of distractions up. Work has been a huge one and luckily they are okay with me taking things a little slower right now. Diamond art, sticker books, journaling, writing this, have all been great things. The Olympics is also perfect timing. If you aren't already playing Hay Day (basically today's Farmville) that's also been a great one. I also have finally cleared up enough to be able to concentrate on reading and enjoying it again. In addition, I've been trying to stay surrounded by people, whether physically or virtually, and make sure I'm not stuck spending too much time by myself with my own thoughts.
I think that pretty much sums up what has been going on for me these last 14 days! Each day is definitely getting easier and easier and I can't wait to see how I'm doing in 2 more weeks!
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