My Mantras

 Let's talk about positive self talk. It's hard. End of story. 

No, but really, positive self talk and inner monologues have always been something I struggle with. My brain defaults to the negative like I think so many of ours do. When things are going well it's easier for me to fight the negativity and find some positive. When things are not going well though, it's really, really hard. How do you find positivity when you are simply trying to make it through each moment? I find myself waiting around for something bad to happen, some signal that I need to get back on another medication and am not capable of living without it. Then I have to remind myself that I've already been doing the hard thing for days and doing well with it so why am I searching for a problem? (Anxiety is why, but we don't have to talk about that right now.) For so long, when my anxiety was really bad, I was always told to not listen or trust those thoughts. While that is completely true, it's really hard to now switch the narrative to trusting myself and believing these other more positive thoughts. 

How do I do it? Well mostly I just try to do it. I'm not always successful, but I've found a few simple mantras/phrases that I can repeat to myself when I'm starting to feel off. I feel like they have actually been working and so I wanted to share them in case anyone wants to try them out as well. 

• I am safe. (I always start with this no matter what.)
• I am healthy. 
• I allow myself to heal and get better. 
• I am allowed to be okay or I am allowed to not be okay.

Sometimes I use all of these, sometimes I only need a few. I also, of course, sometimes throw in mantras specific to my situation, such as I am allowed to be hungry/full, but these four are my core ones I keep coming back to. Anyone have any mantras that they find themselves gravitating to? I would love to hear them in the comments. 

Day 14 Since My Last Dose

Today officially marks 14 days since I last took my antidepressant. There were some days there that I didn't know if I was going to make it to now without adding another medication back into the mix. It's always hard for me to feel proud of myself but I am trying to be better about it, especially in this moment. Every time I doubt my ability to do this I keep reminding myself that I am already doing it. 

So you may be wondering, how am I doing?? Well honestly, pretty dang good. Mentally I want to say I'm hanging in there but I think I'm actually doing better than that but "healing" can be just as terrifying for me as suffering. Physically is a different story. I definitely feel off. I don't have a huge appetite, I have itchy skin, I feel like I have a cold or sinus infection, and my brain is not operating at it's usual capacity. I just keep trying to tell myself that as long as the mental is fine, the physical will improve with the more time my body has to adjust to this new version of "normal". 

I can feel the anxiety part of my brain grasping for things to worry about, but I've been doing okay at fighting back. I've been doing lots of extra therapy sessions and leaning heavily on my friends for support and am so thankful to have those options available. I keep trying to remind myself that most of the things I'm feeling are not things that would necessarily be fixed by restarting an antidepressant, since they are mainly physical. I will say I've been dealing with some crazy hyper fixations that I've had to fight hard to get off the hamster wheel of worry from. 

If you were to check my search history of Google you would see all the worry questions - "What are symptoms of withdrawal?" "Can you develop a life threatening allergy in your 30s?" "Can you develop an allergy from stopping an antidepressant?" "Why does it feel like there is something stuck in my throat?" One day I had to have my phone taken away because I just could not stop. Rationally, most people know that googling symptoms is going to give you the worst case scenario but when you’re unsure and feeling desperate, Google seemed like the best option, as well as asking everyone and anyone I know all sorts of questions. 

Seriously, let's take a break for a minute here so I can shout out all of the people I have been constantly bombarding for questions, guidance, support - you know who you are. Thank you will never be enough to represent the appreciation I have for everyone who is supporting me through this weird time. Being available for me in whatever way I have needed has been one of the biggest factors in helping me get through this. You all have been my lifelines. 

Okay back to hyper fixations. 

Allergies. I have always had hay fever type allergies and this year especially they have been really bad, but I have just been rolling with it and not thinking much of it. I've never had problems with food allergies or severe environmental allergies. So tell me why my brain thinks that stopping an antidepressant is all of a sudden going to make that happen? Makes no sense right? Well if I could rationally deal with it I obviously wouldn't be hyper fixating on it. I've finally been able to move past that one a bit and reason with myself that the chances of me having a life threatening allergy emerge right now in my life, when I'm not trying things I haven't tried before, is probably pretty low odds. The other thing I've had to tell myself is, if I wasn't worrying about this 3 weeks ago then I don't need to be worrying about it now. It's working okay so far but we will see. 

The last thing that has been a problem has been the brain fog. It's not too bad, I'm not operating at 20% maybe more like 80-90% but it is just enough for me to notice it. I'm making typos more frequently, using the wrong words, forgetting what I'm saying, stumbling over my words. I'll catch it (mostly but also my mom edits these posts for me) but it's a weird feeling to catch yourself having an issue with things that would never have been a problem for you before. I've had to force myself to slow down a bit and let myself take time with things but as an impatient perfectionist it's obviously been difficult. 

I have been trying to keep my level of distractions up. Work has been a huge one and luckily they are okay with me taking things a little slower right now. Diamond art, sticker books, journaling, writing this, have all been great things. The Olympics is also perfect timing. If you aren't already playing Hay Day (basically today's Farmville) that's also been a great one. I also have finally cleared up enough to be able to concentrate on reading and enjoying it again. In addition, I've been trying to stay surrounded by people, whether physically or virtually, and make sure I'm not stuck spending too much time by myself with my own thoughts. 

I think that pretty much sums up what has been going on for me these last 14 days! Each day is definitely getting easier and easier and I can't wait to see how I'm doing in 2 more weeks! 

Stopping My Antidepressant - How Did We Get Here?

I have recently started the journey of testing out life without the assistance of an antidepressant, so let's talk about how I got here. For some context, I started off years ago on an SSRI, then was put on an anxiety medication on top of the SSRI, then was switched to the anxiety medication plus an SNRI, and now I'm testing out an anxiety medication only. My goal was always to get off all medications, or at least try, but I was not thinking about trying to take that step any time soon. In all honesty, I was pretty comfortable and I don't know that I ever would have voluntarily taken that step. So that brings us back to the elephant in the room, what changed?

Well, it all started with fast food. Yes, you read that right, fast food. One Thursday afternoon, my parents were heading out of town and while I was excited for them to leave I frequently fall into the trap of anticipation anxiety and was searching for comfort on the day of them going. Well, fast food was my answer. To save you the details, that meal (maybe) turned into what I thought was food poisoning, which then turned into what I think was a stomach virus. Now you know what it's like when you're sick, all your defenses go down and things that are not typically issues become issues. When you struggle with anxiety, that becomes even more heightened. One of my not typical problems was taking the same pills I have been taking for years. All of a sudden I found myself not only with a stomach virus but having accidentally quit all of my medication cold turkey. Now let me just stop and say right now that I would not recommend this method. If you want to get off medication there are a lot of smarter and less problematic ways to do it, but alas here I was. 

I couldn't get myself to take any of my medications, which obviously was doing absolutely nothing to help me feel better. I don't know how to explain but I just couldn't do it. There was a mental block between my medications and me and I didn't know how to beat it. It got to the point where I was considering going to the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. Now, I also struggle with agoraphobia (more on that another time) so going to the hospital was not something that even sounded remotely possible, but it also sounded like the only option. Long story short, I was able to get an at home urgent care visit and they were able to give me a liquid version of my anxiety medication so that I didn't have to worry about taking the pill form. As soon as I started that medication again I started feeling better and could once again see the light of day. There was still one problem though, I needed to take my antidepressant too and the one I was on doesn't come in liquid form. 

To cut some details, I was presented with the option to stay on my current medication and take the pill or switch to another medication that came in a liquid. You would think take the liquid one, problem solved. Me too. Until I tried to actually take it and I just couldn't. At this point with the anxiety medication back in my system I was feeling relatively normal mentally, up until the point I had to try and take my antidepressant, then I would get uneasy and shut down. I was in therapy (shout out to my awesome therapist, who gave me sessions every day to help me through all of this) and explaining all of this and she finally asked me, "well, what if you didn't take the antidepressant"? It stopped me in my tracks because as soon as she posed that question I felt a complete sense of peace. She told me to just lean into what my body was telling me and if the only anxiety I was having was about taking this medication maybe it was a sign. We made a plan to wait the two days until I met with my psychiatrist and see what she said before making any decisions. In those two days, I was feeling mentally better than I have in a while, honestly. I feel like I was numb after being on the antidepressant for a while and just didn't notice it. Yes, I've been stable but I have not been thriving. I was always tired and had little motivation to change the situation I was in. Off the medicine? No more naps every day and suddenly things felt possible that haven't for a long time. 

I talked to my psychiatrist and after a long conversation (once again shout out to providers who take their time and actually listen to you) we decided there was not an immediate need for me to get back on an SNRI and to give just an anxiety medication a try. 

Phew, well there you have it. This is how we got here. This is already long so I'm going to save more for another post soon to come.

I just want to end on a reminder that everyone's journey is different, everyone's need and reaction to medications is different and, after spending days stuck in comparison mode, I hope no one compares themselves to my situation, because in all honesty I do not highly recommend.